Count your blessings.

Damn, my emotions have taken a drastic turn.
Maybe its from the tumultuous emotions I've felt after much realisation that people - do leave you.
Not leave as in kick the bucket kind of leave, but leave as in disregarding you as an important person in their lives anymore.

Firstly, I've just completed this emotional and inspirational book, which made me think deeper into people's actions and behaviours.
I think soon enough, I'll start to analyse people's actions and try to probe into the further meaning of it.
HUMANS ARE A REAL COMPLICATED BUNCH OF PEOPLE, I've been trying to un-complicate myself by not thinking too deep into stuff, but if I do that, I might risk an advantage of not being able to tell good from bad and get used for various reasons instead.

And after reading this book, I've had several sleepless nights, staying awake for hours because of an over-active mind. I want that to stop, I don't want to overtire myself!
I don't mind thinking or analysing stuff in the day, but the least I can do is to give my mind some proper shuteye right?
But it seems when I allow my mind to start thinking, insecurities, worries, paranoia, everything rushes out, and there's no end to it, not even when I want to sleep.
How not to tire myself out and yet being able to analyse things at a certain depth.

HOW I WISH THERE WAS A SWITCH BUTTON IN MY BRAIN.

I'd blocked out all these strong emotions, kept them at bay for a reason.
I did not want any unnecessary negative emotions, worries to overcome me, not when I still had to study hard and was already ageing fast.

One has to understand, I haven't exactly had a great and blessed life in the course of having friends, and my primary and secondary school had periods where I was left to churn in turmoil.
I've experienced many kinds of people (though I can't say so too because I've not entered the working world), but I've interacted with many people in my batch, had friendship problems with them, was the root of many rumours, had my fair share of haters, horrible ex bfs, and dropping grades. Almost sank into depression because of all these shit.

So naturally, those who've led a blessed life might not ever get to understand or know the worries and paranoia that stems from all these problems, which carries all the way into the future, even now.
And my brain has this fantastic power of being overwrought with too nonsensical and imaginary thoughts, or even exaggerating stuff to a large extent.


So...
story cut short, of course I want to feel loved by my friends as a normal person would do.
No need all friends, just those close ones will do.
But...
besides my great group of gfs, other people whom I was close to before have seemed to forget my existence.
Either very busy getting on with their bf/gfs, or they probably cannot be bothered to meet me/chat me up/ask me out for even a cup of coffee?

Waiting doesn't seem to be the choice either, my phone strikes as devoid of any sms everyday, except from the usuals.
No surprise text, no gd morning text, no how are you text.
How disappointing.

Then as I'm about to pick up my phone to initiate a call/text, I'm worried they do not want me in their lives anymore, that chatting them up would just make me seem like an irritating bitch.

Thus, it continues for days.
With neither party contacting the other.
Then I'm afraid, soon we'll be too distanced to even have common topics to catch up when together, we'll all be like strangers with a facade, making fraudy concerns. Sigh.
Things would never be the same, probably we would even lose contact in the future, and the other party might not even care.


Sorry if I sound super emotional and scary from my usual self, because I've locked this part of me up quite well, but now I feel the need to let it open again.
And perhaps it's cause BIG RED GRANNY DECIDED TO PAY ME A VISIT TODAY.

So irritating, people tmr still want to go Sentosa one leh!
But nvm, better than getting it on my birthday, max inconvenient.
At most tmr play sand build sandcastles lor.